Dear Sub…. How Warm is Warm Enough?

The age old question: “How do I know my punishments are sufficient? Or, how do I know if it’s too much?”

Answer: By the behavior of your sub. Plain, simple, uncomplicated. Look at her. Are you looking? How does she look back at you? Do you see peace in her eyes? A pleasant smile? Perhaps a gentle “Yes, Sir?” on her lips upon noticing your gaze? You are doing it right.

Or, perhaps she looks down and away when she notices you looking at her. Does she look guilty? Frustrated? At the end of her rope? Defiant, or indignant? Unless her grandmother just died or you just confessed to an affair your sub should not react to you this way. If she does, it means only one thing: Your punishments are not working and something must be done. If this is the case, I’ve compiled a list of do’s and don’t and gentle pointers to help you get into your subs mind and punish her successfully:

  • Each offense warrants a separate punishment…. No, it’s not too harsh she needs it!
  • Spank her until she cries. A punishment should bring any woman with a pulse to tears. Every woman has a different tolerance and what works for them, and you can use the water works as your line, then push slightly beyond that point and that’s may be a good base line stopping point.
  • Then, double up! If bad behavior continues post punishment, double the punishment for the second offense (i.e. if the first was 30 swats with the paddle, the second should be 60).
  • MAINTENANCE paddle her butt when she needs it…. maybe she confesses feeling guilty, frustrated, or anxious even though she hasn’t broken a rule. Perhaps a gentle “Do you need a spanking to make you feel better?”. Then,  spank her until she’s done.
  • Be consistent! If that means you punish her 30x per day, then do it. I guarantee it won’t last long when you do!
  • Use your words! For some subs it take very few words to get through to them, and for others it takes a lecture. Make sure she knows how bad she’s been and how disappointed you are in her. This can make or break a punishment.

Or, finally perhaps the spankings are too harsh? Are you pushing her beyond the level of an appropriate punishment? Most men don’t. Most men don’t punish enough because they fear hurting their wives. If you are reading her ques and communicating with her, odds are you are not over punishing her. But remember UNDER punishing her, can be just as damaging.

When Ricky Spanks Lucy

Ever watch I Love Lucy? I watched episode after episode as a child. Growing up being raised by a single mother, I had no concept of what a healthy relationship looked like. But I always thought that Lucy must feel so loved having man to care for her enough to make sure she did the right thing and respected him. Though, at the time I didn’t know what respect really was, and it would take a good many years before I would learn.

Growing up, my mother was never respectful toward men as far as I can recall, and even today I see it in her. She wants a man to take care of her, but affords men no respect and instead expects them to meet her needs (without telling them what those needs are), but is not willing to submit and meet theirs in return. And her most recent visit was proof positive, that she still has no respect for men. She came into to my home, and disrespected my husband. When it came to a parenting issue, she outright said “No, you’re wrong.” Now if we were beating our children, or refusing to feed them or some such thing then yes, she would have a right to say “No, you are wrong.”, but everything else is a grey area. And not reinforcing toddler fits, is something my husband and I both feel very strongly about. My mother reinforces that kind of negative behavior which is why I turned out to be such a whiny spoiled rotten little brat with no idea why people didn’t want to be around me. I thought there was something wrong with me. And now our efforts to save our children from the same horrible experience are met with “No, you’re wrong.”.

Honestly, if my husband had not waited to tell me that she had said this to him until she left, she would have gotten an ear full for sure. I cannot stand her disrespecting me, but she came in to my home and disrespected my husband, my leader, my Head of House. Ummm. NO!! I am so infuriated, and frustrated, and slightly bitter still that I can barely formulate sentences to describe my emotions. My patience with her is running thin.

I have done my best to set firm boundaries with my mother regarding these types of things, but she has no concept of respect nor submission to male authority. She has been abused much of her life, and seems to see the world as being out to get her. Even going to the lengths of accusing me of abusive behavior because she “never knows how I’m going to react [to her].” Further more, she seems to believe that she is entitled to have her needs met by others, almost as if the world must stop turning when she needs it to. Though she has gotten far better over the years, and since I have set boundaries with her. Though she still seems to think, that every time I set a boundary, or give her a response she doesn’t want to hear, that it is the fault of those I surround myself with. Like I’m in a good relationship if I get along with her, but the second I don’t get along with her, then I’ve “changed” and she blames the person I am with or friends that I have for my behavior.

I was wearing my submission cuffs, which I wear much like other subs wear collars, when she came for her visit this last weekend and she inquired about them. She asked “Do I want to know?”, my response was “I don’t know. Do you?”, and she sat down and said “Okay…”. I then asked if she had ever heard of something called Domestic Discipline, and she stood up, put her hands up and said “No, I’m not ready for this.” as if it were something dark and horrible. Now, what I’m afraid will happen is that she’ll read the wrong information and think he beats me bloody with cane in front of the children or something and freak out. When that is not the truth.

The truth is that I ASKED FOR THIS, in fact I BEGGED for this. And he disciplines me because I need it, and he loves me enough to do so. Just like I always believed Ricky did for Lucy. Though I’d like to think I am much better behaved than Lucy was … the stunts that woman pulled, oh my gosh! My mom loves to watch I Love Lucy, and if she can accept that…. why can’t she accept this? Granted of course that it’s just a television show, and domestic discipline is much different in real life, but the concept is the same. Lucy called Ricky “Sir”, and Ricky always told her what she could and could not do, made rules for her, gave her an allowance, and spanked her when she misbehaved. Not because he was an abusive ass, but because he loved her. Sounds like DD to me.

Staying in “Sub Space”: Ways to Submit

I see a lot of subs in forums, pages and blogs who are all asking this question “How do I submit?”, or “I’m angry with him, and I don’t want to submit to him, so what do I do now?” There is no easy answer to these questions, nor is there one universal solution for every couple. However, I can offer you a multitude of things to try, a list of do’s and don’t’s and some other resources to help you into the right mind frame.

We must also remember that it takes two to tango, and yes to make this work your HOH must do his part by taking the lead. Having said that though, if you completely immerse yourself in your role, it will inspire him to take on his own role. Our HOH’s being inconsistent can take a toll on any DD relationship, and it can be frustrating for a sub, causing her to act out. But rule #1 even if he’s being inconsistent…. you can’t take control… you can’t make him be consistent and acting out over it is only making it worse.

Do’s and Don’t’s

  • Don’t Argue: A man is bound to feel disrespected when you outright say “Your wrong”, and that will cause him to shut down to you completely. Like an off switch. Instead: Do respectfully disagree: “Sir, may I make a suggestion?” and then “Have you considered {insert idea here} instead because {insert reason her}?”
  • Don’t tell him “No”: Do say “I really would rather not if that’s alright with you sir, because of {insert good reason and possible alternative here}”
  • Do ask permission for EVERYTHING. Even the smallest, stupidest things that you know he doesn’t care about, ask anyway. “Can I take a shower?”, “Can I run to the store?” EVERYTHING. Why? Because every time you do you are submitting and he has the authority.
  • Do apologize for EVERYTHING. Even if you were only 10% at fault for whatever took place… apologize for your part, and always be the first to do so. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disrespect you.”
  • Do bend over and pull down your pants when you are deserving of a spanking. If he doesn’t grab you and put you otk at the first available moment after you’ve deserved one, submit immediately. Trust me.
  • Don’t stop communicating. As women we tend to shut down when we are angry, and men instinctively see that as manipulation, even if that is not our intention, causing them to get defensive and creating a giant rift between you. So you need so say “I’m feeling mad right now, and I’d like some time to think about it, is that okay with you Sir?” That sentence will immediately diffuse the situation giving you time, and helping him to be understanding.
  • Do encourage your HOH to make decisions. Men in our society these days are pre-programmed to say “Whatever you want to do dear.” in order to avoid an argument. You need to let him know he has the final say as much as you may not like it all the time. So if/when he says that to say this. “You are the leader, I need you to decide, because you know what’s best.”.
  • Do realize women have a critical and controlling nature. Yep ladies, we were born that way. We have to combat it every day, and some of us have an easier time of it than others. Be aware, and watch yourself. Stop and ask yourself “Am I just trying to take control so that I can feel secure?” if the answer is yes, back off immediately because your steering yourself down a road full of trouble.
  • Do always treat your hoh with respect even when you don’t want to. This means to his face and behind his back to others. Live and breathe respect for him. Men need respect like they need air to breathe. The worst thing you can do is disrespect him, and it’s the hardest thing for a relationship to recover from.
  • Don’t start any sentence with the word “You”, it’s accusatory. Instead use “I feel” statements. “I feel unloved when you {insert action here}”.

These of course are only chipping away at all the ins and outs of a successful DD marriage, but use them as guidelines. There are also several exercise you and your HOH can do to encourage role affirmation here are just a few:

  • Spend time at his feet. Massaging them, or giving him a mani-pedi. Or just sitting on a pillow watching TV with him.
  • Spend time over his lap. Have him rub your back side, and get comfortable there.
  • Practice doing as he asks with little things like making him a coffee or a cup of tea. Ask him to ask you to do things you’d normally do anyway, just to get that extra “Yes Sir” in there a couple times per day. Little things add up.
  • If you feel like he’s being inconsistent, instead of acting out, suggest a role affirmation spanking. This is a spanking to remind him that he is HOH and remind you that you’re his sub. Doesn’t have to be a super hard spanking, just enough to feel the burn for a while.
  • Encourage him to physically “handle” you. Meaning when he wants you to come sit next to him, he grabs you and sits you down next to him.
  • Spend time serving him. He’d normally get up and get it himself? Nope, you’ll do it for him. While you are not his slave, serving your HOH encourages him to maintain his role as leader.

Above all, NEVER TELL HIM HE ISN’T DOING A GOOD ENOUGH JOB OR NEEDS TO DO BETTER, this is the quickest way to make a man throw his hands up in the air and say “To hell with this”. You, as his wife, are always either building him up or tearing him down with every word that comes out of your mouth. Do not tear him down.

Fifty Shades of Controversy

For those of us in the Domestic Discipline lifestyle 50 Shades of Grey is a hot topic. I’ve also noticed recently that it’s a hot topic for a lot of my more conservative, more vanilla friends and acquaintances, but for very different reasons. Several of my friends are even boycotting the movie, joining a Facebook page-led movement to prevent the movie from making money, because they view it’s content as domestic violence. I recently polled several people on my Facebook page, asking for personal opinions on the movie. Naturally most of them assumed I was asking because I was deciding whether to go and see it, not knowing my private lifestyle. What I found most interesting, was that the friends who were so strongly against the movie said nothing, but my more open-minded friends who had positive or neutral things to say about the subject, commented in droves. How interesting…

Did they not comment because they thought their opinion was already clear? Or did they not comment because they were unwilling to explain their reasons behind their opinion. Their general consensus was that the movie was violent and sinful according to blogs and articles they’d shared on the subject. But why did they believe the content was violent and sinful, having not watched the movie nor read any of the books? This is an example of what I love to refer to as “Sheep mentality”, or “Black and White Thinking”. They go with what they are told, and see everything in the world as either good, or bad…. there’s nothing in between…. no ‘Grey’ area (pun intended). The idea that a woman would consent to being physically disciplined, and be happy about it, is completely incomprehensible to people who choose to see the world in this way.

Now abusers will always find avenues for abuse, and domestic discipline is one of those avenues… but so is The Bible. So if we are grouping things into one category here…. lets do it right: Domestic Discipline, BDSM, The Holy Bible, Islam, Atheism, Skin Color, Political Disagreements, and Perceived Injustice. What do all those things have in common? They are all “reasons” for people to hurt other people. If someone is the kind of person who is going to hurt and manipulate other people, they are going to hurt and manipulate other people. Is there ever a good reason to hurt another person for the sake of hurting them? Not that I can think of…

So, why then do my sweet friends so readily attack the dark and unknown? I believe it’s because of the corrupt society we live in. These friends of mine are kind, well educated, Christian women who themselves believe in a man’s leadership in the Christian home. But the very idea that a woman would enjoy being spanked, and a man would perform such an act out of love and not anger or sadism… just doesn’t compute. We have reached a point in society where our days and nights are filled with women fighting for “their place” in the world. We no longer remember that since the dawn of human existence, up until just a century or so ago, women had a place. A very special one, where we were valued and protected. But the age of technology has brought with it a communication level never experienced before and for the first time we are able to turn on CNN day or night and be informed about the most horrific things people do to one another at nearly the moment that they happen. As a result mankind has become critically self-aware, and felt the need to try and fix itself. Hippies spread peace and love and protest, politicians spread war and education, black people fought for equal rights with white people in America, and women gave up their role in society and decided to create a brand new one.

We were tired of being abused, tired of standing on the sidelines, and tired of not enjoying the wonderful amenities afforded to men. We wanted to wear pants. Now there have been women for centuries who have strayed from their societal role to take on a new one. Going back in history these women wore pants, and educated themselves, choosing to take the road less traveled. But this was different, because communication united the world in a way that had never happened before. We decided as whole… as a society to leave behind our aprons and our  garden club meetings, and exchanged them for pants and voting rights. When we did this, we said we had had enough of our role and the abusive and oppressive men could not hold us down any longer.

This dramatically decreased the amount of women who were statistically abused by their husbands, because women now had the option to be self sufficient in the eyes of society. BUT…. it had a funny side-effect. When we left our role, men left theirs behind too: those men who were not the abusers and oppressors found themselves lost and emasculated as they were no longer needed as they had once been. Now we’re all flitting around together trying to figure who leads the Waltz.

Today women have only grown in their desire to protect themselves and have become increasingly aware of how to do so. This is a wonderful thing, it truly is. No one deserves abuse…. NO ONE. The only problem now is that men have no recourse, no place of authority. We confuse leadership with subjugation, authority with abuse of authority, and consequences and punishments with abuse and torture.

So why do I believe that my sweet friends think that 50 Shades of Grey is sexual violence and abuse? Because they don’t know the difference. We’ve over dramatized, and sensationalized domestic violence to the point where people see it around every corner, and through every front door. Now the road less traveled is to stay at home with children, and be content to do so. Many career women and even some men, view homemakers as lazy, or weak when truly…. it is our natural state, and when done well, is not a job for the weak and lazy! Now if a man dare say he wants his wife to stay home and not work…. he’s controlling and oppressive. Or dare he say he wants his stay at home wife to do the majority of the housework, he’s a big jerk who wants to demean her. Men can’t win in today’ society unless they are either gay or miserable. Now women can’t find a good man, because no man is truly capable of being all that modern women demand of them, it’s just not possible. They’re either too sweet and a push-over, or an arrogant womanizer, or some such other thing. So we have divorces, we affairs, we have a majority of children being raised by single parents…. this is what feminism has gotten us; a giant mess.

I find myself wondering where we will go from here, and what society will look like in 50 or 100 years. Will we find our roles? What kind of society will our sons and daughters, or our grandchildren, be living in? One can only hope mankind will find it’s way.

In the mean time, I’m going to eat popcorn, and watch 50 Shades of Grey, and pray for my friends who only see in black and white.

Getting Started: The Apprentice’s Guide to Domestic Dicipline

A series of recent events, has me thinking over and over about how we got started with domestic discipline and how I’ve mentored others into the lifestyle. I decided it would be beneficial to compile my experience in one spot. So here it is, for your reading pleasure, the wisdom and teachings of a successful (mostly successful) sub:

Step 1: Basics of the basics…

Get these DVD’s and watch them with your partner…. hang on every. single. word.

http://loveandrespect.com/store/love-and-respect-dvds.html

 Love and Respect, By Emerson Eggrichs

Why this? Because, while this has nothing to do with spanking or rules or timeouts, these are necessary attitudes a couple must have toward each other in order to be successful. She must submit out of respect, and he must discipline out of love.

Step 2: Now comes the DD…

Go to learningDD.com and download the Beginners Packet. Read through it together, and any other piece of literature in there that you may think you could find helpful…. you can never be too educated on your own chosen lifestyle* rule of thumb.

LDDBlue (1)

Step 3: The list, the contract, the commitment…

Each of you make a list of what you’d like to get out of domestic discipline. Don’t be shy about it either. Be honest. When you’ve both finished, ask yourselves what the other person can do in the relationship to achieve meeting each other’s needs. Then, put your heads together and write up a contract stating the responsibilities of each person, and then rules for the sub. Proof read it, then sleep on it. Practice it in your head. Are these reasonable goals for us? Once you are both confident your contract is a fair and complete contract (subs: there may be rules and punishments you don’t like and will be challenging, but this isn’t meant to easy. Only, negotiate rules and punishments if they are absolutely unreasonable. HOH’s be fair.) sign it, frame it, hang it in your bedroom.

Step 4: The hard part….

Okay, well… That was easy right? Now what? Now you DO IT!

Subs: Think about how you speak to your Hoh. You should be building him up with every word even if you disagree with him, you must still be respectful. Stay in your role at all times, it’s going to be hard, but you MUST do this in order to be successful.

HOH’s: She broke a rule…. yes you have to punish her and no, you can’t let it slide. Be loving but firm. Don’t skimp on the after care, but get your point across. Stay in your role. You have the final say. The world is on YOUR shoulders, and YOU are the leader. Be the leader when you sleep, eat, bathe, when you have a bad day, good day, feeling lazy, feel energetic… always… be …. the leader.

Okay, folks…. if you’ve made it this far congratulations! You CAN do this. If you’re stuck a long the way. Give it time. This doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Go at your own pace. Good luck!!

The Happy House Sub

My Domestic Discipline life is anonymous. We don’t tell our friends, and certainly not my husband’s co-workers about our DD lifestyle. However, just because no one knows he spanks me when I break a rule, doesn’t mean there aren’t cultural abnormalities that stand out to the rest of the world and provoke unfavorable reactions from my peers. Anyone who spends time with myself or my husband and talks with us about our relationship can recognize elements of a dom/sub dynamic. These elements on their own are things not common in our society and even frowned upon by some, though each peer group has their own unique view.

My husband seems to be a hero to his peers in many ways, and regularly boasts about the ease of his life at home. Coffee ready when he comes in the door, no “honey-do list”, or complaints about his video game habit (I have quite a gaming habit myself), dinner cooked and kids cared for while he sits and relaxes with little to nothing being asked of him, but the pleasure of his company had by all. His friends respond with “lucky bastard”, or “you’re a dick”…. even,”she’s not here, you don’t have to talk her up.” And he just smiles proudly.

However, my peers don’t respond so positively, in fact their outlook on it is downright negative. I recently attended a playgroup with some the wives of my husbands co-workers, during which a “husband bashing” session commenced. Complaining about how much their husbands don’t do around the house, or complaining about having to get used to doing housework during deployments because their hard working husbands also do dishes and laundry despite having a stay-at-home wife. Adding my two cents; I stated that I always feel guilty when I have to ask my husband to help around the house, because he works so hard, and am usually adamant that he not have to lift a finger. In response I got a lot of eye-rolls, and disgusted expressions. Clearly, my peers found my primitive way of seeing household obligations disturbing.

I came away feeling frustrated. They complain and complain about their husbands lack of motivation, and then complain because their complaints about it aren’t getting them anywhere. So they’re husbands do little to nothing around the house, and when they do help, it’s with an irritable and defensive attitude; they are simply doing it to keep the peace in the home. Yet, when I do respectfully request my husbands help when I need it, he hops up with a happy heart and jumps right in to housecleaning, and child rearing. Is this because my husband is a better man than they’re husbands are? Not likely, they are all good men. However, my husband might just be a happier man….. a man who is built up instead of torn down. Respected instead of required, admired instead of criticized. This is the difference that I see.

So when they roll their eyes at me, I can’t help but think in frustration… “So what YOU’RE doing is working for you then? Because you sure complain a lot for someone who has this all figured out.” In a feminist society women are quick to dismiss a primitive way of thinking, because we are told it’s degrading. I certainly do not feel degraded, I feel loved and secure. I do not participate in the “husband bashing” not only because it’s disrespectful to my husband, but also because I have nothing to bash. I’m truly, and deeply proud of who he is, and everything he does. This is all completely logical to me. However, in the end, I believe it may cost me some potential friendships along the way.

“Sir”-natomy

What’s the anatomy of your SIr? And, no, I’m not talking about how big his hands are. I’m talking about what makes him tick. I find more and more that each Sir has his own preferences for how the home and relationship should run, and each his own reasons for it. So why do Sirs do what they do and want what they want? I find that understanding the “why” makes the “how” a lot easier. Let’s take moment and delve into the minds and hearts of our Sirs to find the answers.

Segment #1:  The “Sir” MInd

Sagittal_brain_MRI

Let’s begin from a scientific/psychological point of view: Typically the kind of man who is a naturally born Sir, is referred to as an “Alpha Male”. These are the men whom all the other men gravitate toward, natural born leaders. The quarterback of the football team, the 16 year old kid who’s the Senior Manager at McDonald’s, or the ambitious entrepreneur who becomes billionaire at 25, just to name a few distinct scenarios in which a person can identify an alpha male. My Hoh is in the military and he is a junior magnet. All the younger guys in his division respond to him naturally as a leader, and even those who share his rank, look to him for a certain amount of leadership on the job.

Here’s a few facts about alpha males:

  • Alpha males come in all shapes and sizes. A small guy with the right attitude, can be just as effective or more effective than a hulk with mommy issues.
  • If you want to know if a male is an Alpha or a beta, shake his hand; an alpha male will position his hand slightly atop yours.
  • An alpha male will own his space. To a certain degree, any woman in that space will instinctively respond to him with a degree of submission, if even for a moment.
  • Alpha males speak deeply, even if their voices aren’t inherently deep. An alpha will change his voice to emanate on a lower frequency, by instinct.
  • Last and most importantly, even an alpha male can be emasculated by a critical and overbearing woman. In contrast: a submissive woman who admires her man’s qualities can help a man grow into an Alpha mindset.

Now I want to make a point that not all alphas are born alpha. Some require guidance by other men in order to achieve an alpha mind-set. In this case it is especially important that a woman provide her blooming alpha with showers of respect, admiration and encouragement. This man’s wife’s attitude toward him in this critical juncture can make or break him.

Segment #2: The “Sir” Body

anatomy_study_by_kimsuyeong81-d5cpm1i

Let me begin my stating the obvious; men have needs. Plain. Simple. Uncomplicated.

Our sirs though, are unique in taking their physical needs to another level. It is one thing to psychologically dominate a woman (and sometimes sociopathic…eeek!), but our Sirs physically dominate us, as an avenue for psychological domination. Psychological domination alone is, according to all the right texts, an act of a weak mind when accomplished through emotional manipulation. But our Sirs, are strong minded alphas, who dominate us physically whilst simultaneously showing physical love and intimacy. This is how they care for us, for while we submit to them, we are in their charge and under their protection.

So just sexual satisfaction alone, is rarely enough to satisfy our Sirs. Instead they must spank us for our wrongs… intimately, closely, and with authority. They must make their touch a deep part of communication and trust. They command us with their voices and hold us accountable with their bodies. Our Sirs, need a more profound and advanced connection with us than the more vanilla folk, could scarcely imagine.

When all is said and done, I think it can be concluded that in many ways our Sirs are evolutionary marvels.. at least mine is. How about yours?

Why domestic discipline is not abuse…

My ex husband was emotionally abusive…. I was kidnapped and held by a man who choked me constantly until I passed out, and I was raped twice before the age of 17. So do I choose domestic discipline in order to continue the psychological “abuse cycle”? Quite the opposite actually, and I’ll tell you why:

1. Discipline is not abuse

When my Hoh spanks me, he is not doing it in a fit of anger or rage, and he’s not doing with the intent to damage me. The dictionary defines abuse as:

a·buse
verb
 
əˈbyo͞oz/
  1. 1.
    use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
    “the judge abused his power by imposing the fines”
    synonyms: misuse, misapply, misemploy; More

     
     
  2. 2.
    treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
    “riders who abuse their horses should be prosecuted”
    synonyms: mistreat, maltreat, ill-treat, treat badly;

    While the definition of discipline is quite different:

    dis·ci·pline
    ˈdisəplən/
    noun
     1.
    the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
    “a lack of proper parental and school discipline”
    synonyms: control, training, teaching, instruction,regulation, direction, order, authority,rule, strictness, a firm hand; More”

    Especially pay attention to the difference in synonyms. One is “Mistreating” while the other is “teaching”. Now mind you not every Hoh in the world practices domestic discipline lovingly and may use it as an excuse to abuse, but abusers will always make excuses, DD is just one of them.

    2. Abuse hurts for life.

    When my ex would scream hateful things at me and tell me about all of my shortcomings and how no one should have to put up with “this bullshit”, I felt beaten down. I felt like hurting myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and I wasn’t there anymore…. I was vacant… spiritless. So I cut myself. I hurt myself because I felt I deserved it, that I wasn’t okay the way I was, and that maybe if I cut enough I could make myself better somehow. When my ex discovered my cutting habit, it became something I was doing to him, that I was doing it to hurt him which made me even more frustrated. I just cried the hardest I could cry as he screamed at me all the things I had done wrong. I went to my closest friend, desperate to be rescued, recognized, validated…. only be told I was at fault. I wasn’t doing my part in the marriage and I needed to be more this and less that, I was too critical, not respectful enough. So back I went, tail tucked…. I wanted to die. I was lifeless, and I would just sit and stare into nothing for hours. For me this was worse than any other type of abuse I endured. Before at least I had bruises…. kidnapper left marks…. rapists left scars… no one told me it was my fault then…. but this time I was the crazy wife who couldn’t get it right. Everyone loved him, and I was the monster. His family hated and constantly insulted me, and he would tell me he would stand up for me, and then go complain to them about me as I sat downstairs listening to him talk on the phone. This is what abuse is. The breaking of a person, a spirit, a will to live. Those inner scars will always be there, and every once in a while I’ll find myself feeling not good enough, and hear my ex husband’s voice in my head telling me that all I do is hurt people, and that I’m cruel and vindictive. Abuse hurts for life.

    When my Hoh disciplines me (spanks me) it stings like you would not believe, especially if he uses the crop. Afterwords I am left with a warm bottom, and sometimes difficulty sitting down. BUT, what it leaves me with that is much more important is a feeling of contentment and security. My Hoh holds me tight and rubs me up and down, telling me he loves me after a spanking, and I’ve never felt closer or safer with any other human being. When I’m stressed out to absolute maximum, I crawl across his lap for a few stress relief swats and a bottom rubbing, and I feel instantly content. I go through each day knowing that I am valued and loved. Nothing can replace that, and nothing can trump it. I could not imagine my life without DD.

    3. Sweet Surrender

    There’s something about surrendering one’s self to the complete control of another human being that is such a relief, I cannot express the feeling adequately. I can only equate it to a person’s submission to God. “Come to me all ye who are weary and I will give ye rest.” The lord is our shepherd. He lightens our burdens and shows us the path to walk. When I surrender to my Hoh, the feeling is similar. I feel light as air, and worry free when he takes control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he will take care of me, and I can rest… really rest, knowing he will handle everything with grace, kindness, and patience.

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Asked and Answered: What DD is for us

The more people I meet who are curious about the inner workings of a Domestic Discipline relationship (usually online friends in forums etc.), the more questions I end up getting asked. I must say that DD has become so normal for me I hadn’t realized how different it is from a typical modern marriage. I recently came across one person who had some very good questions in spades and so in the spirit of information sharing, I’ve compiled a list of common questions I’m asked and answered them the very best I can.

What rules do you have to follow and how are punishments handed out?

I have rules that dictate the housework I am required to get done, what I wear, and things I must remember to do (like remembering to turn the oven off), and the money I am allowed or not allowed to spend, and he punishes me according to the offense. For example I got $130 dollar speeding ticket, and I got 13 smacks with a crop (one smack for every $10).

How does he spank you with all those kids?

We have an area of our home that is off limits to the children and childproofed, but we also have a two way baby monitor and a security camera so that we can monitor them even when we are not in the room.

What if the husband messes up? Does he get spanked too?

No, it is his job to be accountable to himself and to God. Biblically a woman is required to submit to her husband, therefor I have no authority over him. This works because his a respectable man without ego or pride issues, and is willing to be accountable and take responsibility for his own actions. If he was not, this lifestyle would be to my detriment.

Does he always spank bare bottom?

Yes, he does that for the skin to skin contact which increases bonding and intimacy.

How did you come to have this in your relationship?

Well it’s funny, when we got together HH said that he had developed a fetish….. he liked to spank. My response was “You like to WHAT?!” but I was open, and it started as sort of something we both enjoyed, just the spanking. I felt loved and he enjoyed it. It brought us closer. Then I mouthed off one day and made a joke about what a crappy wife I am, and he bent me over his knee and spanked my butt. Needless to say I never mouthed off like that again, but more than that I enjoyed his authority over me and wanted more. I began asking permission for everything, and even asking to be spanked when I felt I’d done something wrong. Then by happenstance I was doing some research for a psych class for college and discovered domestic discipline, then christian domestic discipline and I lost my mind with excitement. I could wait for my HH to come home so I could show him what I’d found. I presented him with the information I’d collected and asked if we could sign a contract with rules and guidelines. He was concerned that I’d get a bad punishment and leave him (10 years ago I would have), but I talked him into it and it only got better from that point on!

Do you ever tell him you disagree and don’t think things are fair about his decisions? How does he handle that?

We rarely disagree on anything. But sometimes I do point out an aspect of something that I think he is missing, and he always considers it. There was one time when I did out right disagree. Flat out… I was pissed. But I’m respectful enough not to yell and pick I fight. I said “I’m mad right now and I need to go calm down” and left the room. He gave me a minute and then followed me, put his arm around me and MADE me tell him why I was mad. So I just sort of blurted out how angry I was over the decision he had mad, and why. He held me close on his lap, kissed my forehead and told me he understood, but that he isn’t going to change his mind and why he felt his decision was right. I cried in his arms for a long time, and when I was done he gave me a few good swats on the butt as role affirmation, and then we sat and snuggled on the couch together. That’s how he usually handles it when I become emotional.

Were you spanked as a kid and teenager?

No, as a matter of fact I had almost no disciple or structure as a child. I was a spoiled rotten brat.

What is it about CDD that attracts you the most to it? Is it that it draws you closer to him, to the Lord, or what. What is it about this that draws you to it?

I think it’s that I feel completely safe. That I can submit completely to my HH and know that I am safe and loved. The giving up of all control to another person is a relief. I can look to him to should the burden of life and decision making, and go about my existence simply loving my family without many of the burdens that normally accompany modern motherhood and being a wife and college student. I can just be me.

Is it normal for a punishment spanking to turn sexual?

For us, yes. But it’s not that way for everyone.

Besides the spanking, does he give you corner time, loss of privileges, and stuff like that?

Loss of privileges sometimes and he’s never given me corner time but I’m sure he would if he thought it was necessary. But his go-to punishment is a paddling because he likes to spank and believes it is the best punishment to bring us closer together, where corner time etc. might not be as good a bonding experience. He does however with-hold good girl spankings if I’m being a brat to try to get him to spank me. I’ll smart off to him, and he’ll say, “don’t get smart with me, or you won’t get your beating at all today.”

Do you feel sometimes that he is way wrong on something and you are afraid to protest knowing you will get a spanking for it?

He doesn’t just respect my opinions… he demands them. I get a good paddling if he finds out I’m holding something back. He wants to know every thought, feeling and opinion. If something is off with me he spots it right away and makes me tell him. I get a good paddling if he finds out I’m holding something back. He wants to know every thought, feeling and opinion. If something is off with me he spots it right away and makes me tell him.

I hope that this little snippet helps spread awareness the Domestic Discipline is a loving and close relationship when done as it is intended. It’s not for everyone, but it isn’t abuse either.

“Other people do…”

As a teenager I was unknowingly experiencing the symptoms of fibromyalgia and sclerosis of the spine, and could never do as much as a typical child my age. I was never in sports or even able to walk very far without getting sore and tired. As I grew up with a mother who’d suffered a minor stroke, and also had fibromyalgia, I became accustomed to being tired all the time and accepted my fatigue as “normal”. My mother, however, was a codependant clean freak who depended on me for her emotional stability. She expected a lot from me, and it was usually more than I was able to provide. I would get frustrated and tell her she expected too much from me, then she would respond with “Other people do it! Other people’s kids help them around the house. Other people’s houses are clean.”. It would always make me feel so ashamed…. so broken. As I grew up it continued. She would say to my ex-husband “I don’t know how you can live with her in that filth.”…. Shame once again.

Today I still feel the shame echo in my head. Now that my symptoms are diagnosed, and notably worse than they were 15 years ago, I am not capable of keeping my house as neatly and beautifully as I’d like to for my family. I see friends of mine on Facebook, post random pictures of their day to day life with their families. Friends with just as many children, whose homes stay much cleaner than mine…. and I hear “Other people can do it…”.

I look at my husband and I’m ashamed. I know he likes a neat and tidy house, and I also know that he understands my pain and fatigue and sets rules and expectations accordingly. He’s so kind and loving to me. Everything he does with and for me and our children is done in love, and never anger or entitlement, and what do I have to give back to him? I messy house, and a wife who can barely move. He loves me anyway… but how can I love myself when my family hurts when I hurt? I know my illness is not my fault, but it isn’t theirs either. It’s hard watch my husband give me everything, and not being able to give him everything in return.

On days like today, I look around and I’m frustrated and guilty… so I push myself to clean and move and run about the house doing things so that they’ll be done…. so the house will be clean. Then I hit my maximum and can’t move anymore… tomorrow I’ll really pay for it and get even further behind. It’s a vicious cycle. But what else do I do? I cannot let my family live in a home that isn’t clean. With six kids on one income it doesn’t exactly leave room in the budget for a house keeper. I wish I had a solution. I cried in my doctors arms on Monday because I want so badly to feel better. But there’s nothing…. nothing to do, but what I can and what I can is not enough.