Ultimately Safe

Night before last I received the third friend request in a row on facebook, from a “friend” I had deleted last year. At the time I deleted her, I discovered some personal information I had posted on facebook had leaked to my eldest son’s biological father,who is not in his life, but who’s wife causes drama for me and trouble for my son constantly if she gets any ammunition. So I was shortening my friends list and deleting those who had proven themselves untrustworthy in the past and this “friend”, we’ll call her Tonya, was among those who had betrayed my trust. In my own frustration, I messaged her, asking why she continually sent me friend requests when we weren’t ever that close in the first place. The conversation turned into quite a back and forth what happened and why I felt betrayed. She claimed she didn’t remember what she had done, and apologized. I explained that I forgave her, but couldn’t risk my personal information leaking out and making my life harder.

That’s when it occurred to me, how deeply seated my trust issues are. I feel… damaged. Like all the betrayals and lies from people in my life have made me too suspicious, and too mistrusting. Then I looked at my husband sitting next to me, and thought about how many times I’ve been abused, lied to and cheated on by men. How is it that I keep a distance from everyone in the world accept this person? I never let my guard down for a minute, with friend or foe, and yet I trust this man to decide what I wear, what rules I live by, and most importantly, I trust him to discipline me. Ultimate trust.

I questioned myself for some time trying to figure out what it was about him that made me trust him so easily, especially because he himself had betrayed my trust some years ago. Then it occurred to me that the difference between my husband and the rest of the world is that he would never hurt me, or allow anyone else to hurt me in any way. I feel ultimately safe with him, and the safety results in trust. It must. I still have my insecurities of course, especially pertaining to his ex-wife. But I trust him with my life, and it’s such a relief to feel that loved and cared for. I still don’t know what to do about my trust issues with the rest of the world, but for my husband is a good place to start.

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