A lot to take

I have six children, college, a home to manage, fibromyalgia and sclerosis (degeneration) of the spine…. waaaahhh!

Some nights are so hard. I desperately need sleep and yet here I am… 1am not sleeping. The inflammation becomes almost unbearable at times and my legs feel like they are on fire. With fibromyalgia comes chronic insomnia which there is not medication to treat due to dependency issues (that would be the last thing I need). Even though tonight I’m tired for once, I can’t sleep because my feet and legs are inflamed. It’s times like these when I’d really love a good epidural.

I’m fortunate that my husband has not enforced a bed time. He know’s I’d sleep if I could because I’m so exhausted all day every day. It’s times like these that I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s just all so very overwhelming. I know what my husband expects of me around the house which is not unreasonable by any stretch of the imagination, but it is still so overwhelming. What I wouldn’t give to have just one day of rest. Uninterrupted… rest. However, it’s just not possible with my life and responsibilities. Especially because when my stepchildren are here, they need me to be there for them because their mother is not emotionally available. Quite frankly, she’s a portrait of psychopathology. Angry and unpredictable, incapable of empathy, and selfish to a fault. I feel for them, and the youngest is just two. My children are young as well, the youngest being 22 months old. The eldest is my son who is 8 and has high functioning autism, as does my middle daughter. This is a lot for one momma.

People learn of my situation and always seem to get the same gaping look of shock on their faces. But I do alright most of the time. I have my husbands coffee (latte) ready when he comes home, home cooked dinners, and the house is well kept for one being lived in by six small children. I always feel though, that I’m never quite caught up to where I should be. There’s always another mess to clean, child crying, essay to write…. if it wasn’t for my husband I don’t know what I’d do. He can always see when I’m stressed, and bends me over for a few good-girl-spankings. I love those kind and I calm right down. When he’s away at sea it’s the hardest, because it’s just me. Granted when he’s away I have only three instead of six children, but I miss the kids too. I am proud of his service, and of who my husband is, but the alone time is heart breaking.

I suppose what I’m really trying to say is that, I love my life and my husband, but just wish I could have some down time between crises, and some sleep to go along with it. I’m a blessed woman, but a tired one nonetheless.

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