Well… Thanksgiving went as smoothly as I could have asked for it to go. Though while my mother was here an incident got me thinking… got me wondering why. Kids in bed, my HOH , my Mother, and I, sat down to watch a show on Netflix. The show Hoh and I are currently watching is Criminal Minds. He hasn’t seen it, though I’ve seen every episode at least twice. The next episode in the line up happened to be one where there was girl tied up and beaten, and it showed it rather graphically. My mother couldn’t handle watching it and we had to change it. Then later, I was showing my mother some of the new dresses I had gotten and she saw the leather paddle we have hanging off the closet door, and the crop seated above the bed. She didn’t say anything about it, but the look of horror on her face was obvious. That’s when I realized that my version of “normal” would terrify my mother. Granted, my mother is a very sensitive, and quite over dramatic person, where I am more logic driven. Still, I was a bit taken aback by the reality that what brings me joy in my life would traumatize many women.
Why is it that I feel this way about being disciplined physically? Have I been damaged? Has being raped, abused, and molested, abandoned, and abused more damaged me so deeply that I now require being dominated to feel secure? Or, am I simply craving my primal role as a woman? My logical mind is seeking a purpose for the way I feel…. a reason why. The majority of society labels dominant/submissive relationships as dysfunctional ones. Women are taught that we should be equal to men, or even superior to them in many ways. Leaving men emasculated, and without their natural role in a relationship. Women feel entitled, as if we are constantly being wronged by men. EQUALITY! WOMEN’S RIGHTS! But where has that gotten us? It’s gotten us a crap load of trouble, that’s where. A higher divorce rate, more responsibilities than we can handle, and a primed and polished “victim” mentality that ensures men get the short end of the stick even if they are guilty of nothing.
So… why?? Why am I so comfortable in the submissive role that I have chosen? Is it dysfunction? Or am I simply letting myself fall into my God-given role as a women… as the biblical “help-mate” role?