Sigh…. “There he is”…..

Sometimes I find myself taken aback by my husband. His eyes, the way he moves, the way he looks when he’s talking about something he’s passionate about. I find my breathe taken away. Isn’t that only for fairy tails?

I don’t know, but I do know that being with him feels like heaven on earth compared to how my life has been with anyone else. The other men in my life have always specialized in making me feel worthless by constantly criticizing me. I was never allowed to be angry, or sad. I couldn’t cry, get sick…. I couldn’t be human without being persecuted every time I turned around. I was accused of being selfish, cold, vindictive, spiteful,  “slutty”, of lying, cheating, and much more every day. I either talked too much or too little around other people, I was too excited about things or not excited enough, and I was never able to have a moment of imperfection or weakness without being accused of manipulating or purposely hurting others.

My ex husband was a severe alcoholic and suffered seizures and violent illness when he drank, and still would not stop drinking… yet I was selfish for not wanting to sit in the ER with him and beg the ER doc to give him the pain meds he was hooked on when I was 9 months pregnant and supposed to be on bed-rest. Two or three times a week it was always the same. He would sneak alcohol and max out his pain medication, and when he wasn’t sick he was a mean drunk. He would feel guilty about it the next day and lay in bed for days whining about what a failure he was and how he was tired of being sick all the time and then go out and do it again. He’d leave our newborn daughter crying in her bed so that he could play poker on his phone. Once, he slit his writs in the bathtub after getting a DUI and barely survived, yet still I was expected to enable him…. to respect him. There’s no respecting a man like that. There just isn’t.

Now, my husband doesn’t understand why I think he’s so wonderful, when he does what’s best for the family, when he’s kind and understanding when I’m feeling emotional. When he cares enough to spank me when I need it, and hold me when I need it, and listen to me when I need it. He’s so kind and patient, so loving and devoted. He will just grab me and kiss me for no reason at all, other than that he loves me. He makes sure I know he appreciates what I do for him and for the family, and never lets me doubt myself. So it’s really no wonder at all that I see him and get butterflies and my heart skips a beat…. he’s my hero.


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