Why domestic discipline is not abuse…

My ex husband was emotionally abusive…. I was kidnapped and held by a man who choked me constantly until I passed out, and I was raped twice before the age of 17. So do I choose domestic discipline in order to continue the psychological “abuse cycle”? Quite the opposite actually, and I’ll tell you why:

1. Discipline is not abuse

When my Hoh spanks me, he is not doing it in a fit of anger or rage, and he’s not doing with the intent to damage me. The dictionary defines abuse as:

a·buse
verb
 
əˈbyo͞oz/
  1. 1.
    use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
    “the judge abused his power by imposing the fines”
    synonyms: misuse, misapply, misemploy; More

     
     
  2. 2.
    treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
    “riders who abuse their horses should be prosecuted”
    synonyms: mistreat, maltreat, ill-treat, treat badly;

    While the definition of discipline is quite different:

    dis·ci·pline
    ˈdisəplən/
    noun
     1.
    the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
    “a lack of proper parental and school discipline”
    synonyms: control, training, teaching, instruction,regulation, direction, order, authority,rule, strictness, a firm hand; More”

    Especially pay attention to the difference in synonyms. One is “Mistreating” while the other is “teaching”. Now mind you not every Hoh in the world practices domestic discipline lovingly and may use it as an excuse to abuse, but abusers will always make excuses, DD is just one of them.

    2. Abuse hurts for life.

    When my ex would scream hateful things at me and tell me about all of my shortcomings and how no one should have to put up with “this bullshit”, I felt beaten down. I felt like hurting myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and I wasn’t there anymore…. I was vacant… spiritless. So I cut myself. I hurt myself because I felt I deserved it, that I wasn’t okay the way I was, and that maybe if I cut enough I could make myself better somehow. When my ex discovered my cutting habit, it became something I was doing to him, that I was doing it to hurt him which made me even more frustrated. I just cried the hardest I could cry as he screamed at me all the things I had done wrong. I went to my closest friend, desperate to be rescued, recognized, validated…. only be told I was at fault. I wasn’t doing my part in the marriage and I needed to be more this and less that, I was too critical, not respectful enough. So back I went, tail tucked…. I wanted to die. I was lifeless, and I would just sit and stare into nothing for hours. For me this was worse than any other type of abuse I endured. Before at least I had bruises…. kidnapper left marks…. rapists left scars… no one told me it was my fault then…. but this time I was the crazy wife who couldn’t get it right. Everyone loved him, and I was the monster. His family hated and constantly insulted me, and he would tell me he would stand up for me, and then go complain to them about me as I sat downstairs listening to him talk on the phone. This is what abuse is. The breaking of a person, a spirit, a will to live. Those inner scars will always be there, and every once in a while I’ll find myself feeling not good enough, and hear my ex husband’s voice in my head telling me that all I do is hurt people, and that I’m cruel and vindictive. Abuse hurts for life.

    When my Hoh disciplines me (spanks me) it stings like you would not believe, especially if he uses the crop. Afterwords I am left with a warm bottom, and sometimes difficulty sitting down. BUT, what it leaves me with that is much more important is a feeling of contentment and security. My Hoh holds me tight and rubs me up and down, telling me he loves me after a spanking, and I’ve never felt closer or safer with any other human being. When I’m stressed out to absolute maximum, I crawl across his lap for a few stress relief swats and a bottom rubbing, and I feel instantly content. I go through each day knowing that I am valued and loved. Nothing can replace that, and nothing can trump it. I could not imagine my life without DD.

    3. Sweet Surrender

    There’s something about surrendering one’s self to the complete control of another human being that is such a relief, I cannot express the feeling adequately. I can only equate it to a person’s submission to God. “Come to me all ye who are weary and I will give ye rest.” The lord is our shepherd. He lightens our burdens and shows us the path to walk. When I surrender to my Hoh, the feeling is similar. I feel light as air, and worry free when he takes control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he will take care of me, and I can rest… really rest, knowing he will handle everything with grace, kindness, and patience.

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One thought on “Why domestic discipline is not abuse…

  1. First, let me say how sorry I was to hear of your early misfortune. You’re right. Those memories will never go away.

    Second, the term “domestic discipline” is merely a relatively recent euphemism for spanking. When my wife and I began dating, it was simple called spanking. Back then, husbands spanked their wives much as mothers and fathers spanked their daughters. Almost always it was administered to the female’s bare bottom. Paddling with a hairbrush was fairly common. Most of the time, it was over the man’s lap.

    Sometimes, mothers and daughters were spanked for similar attitudes and behaviors such as disobedience or profanity. While all spankings were usually private, mothers were normally spanked after the children were asleep or out of the house.

    Before passage of federal equal rights legislation in the mid-1960s, most police considered spanking to be a family matter rather than a criminal offense.

    In those days, wife spanking (as it was sometimes called) wasn’t so much a lifestyle as it was a means of preserving domestic tranquility at a time when divorces were still relatively rare and frowned upon by society. While not every wife was spanked, every wife knew it was a very real possibility if she got too far out of line.

    Third, let me suggest that a disciplinary or even a punishment spanking can be separated from abuse by a deceptively simple test; was it about him, or was it about her? Disciplining is ALWAYS about the woman rather than the man. Even when a man punishes a woman properly, he is patient with her.

    While it can be difficult to tell the difference when a woman is in the throws of agony, she can tall the difference in reflection. Disciplining and legitimate punishment leaves a woman with that “feeling of contentment and security” as you describe it.

    Fourth, just in case you’re interested, bare bottom spanking remains effective with women into their 60s and 70s. It still hurts just as much as it did when they were in their 20s!

    Liked by 1 person

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