Dear Sub…. How Warm is Warm Enough?

The age old question: “How do I know my punishments are sufficient? Or, how do I know if it’s too much?”

Answer: By the behavior of your sub. Plain, simple, uncomplicated. Look at her. Are you looking? How does she look back at you? Do you see peace in her eyes? A pleasant smile? Perhaps a gentle “Yes, Sir?” on her lips upon noticing your gaze? You are doing it right.

Or, perhaps she looks down and away when she notices you looking at her. Does she look guilty? Frustrated? At the end of her rope? Defiant, or indignant? Unless her grandmother just died or you just confessed to an affair your sub should not react to you this way. If she does, it means only one thing: Your punishments are not working and something must be done. If this is the case, I’ve compiled a list of do’s and don’t and gentle pointers to help you get into your subs mind and punish her successfully:

  • Each offense warrants a separate punishment…. No, it’s not too harsh she needs it!
  • Spank her until she cries. A punishment should bring any woman with a pulse to tears. Every woman has a different tolerance and what works for them, and you can use the water works as your line, then push slightly beyond that point and that’s may be a good base line stopping point.
  • Then, double up! If bad behavior continues post punishment, double the punishment for the second offense (i.e. if the first was 30 swats with the paddle, the second should be 60).
  • MAINTENANCE paddle her butt when she needs it…. maybe she confesses feeling guilty, frustrated, or anxious even though she hasn’t broken a rule. Perhaps a gentle “Do you need a spanking to make you feel better?”. Then,  spank her until she’s done.
  • Be consistent! If that means you punish her 30x per day, then do it. I guarantee it won’t last long when you do!
  • Use your words! For some subs it take very few words to get through to them, and for others it takes a lecture. Make sure she knows how bad she’s been and how disappointed you are in her. This can make or break a punishment.

Or, finally perhaps the spankings are too harsh? Are you pushing her beyond the level of an appropriate punishment? Most men don’t. Most men don’t punish enough because they fear hurting their wives. If you are reading her ques and communicating with her, odds are you are not over punishing her. But remember UNDER punishing her, can be just as damaging.

When Ricky Spanks Lucy

Ever watch I Love Lucy? I watched episode after episode as a child. Growing up being raised by a single mother, I had no concept of what a healthy relationship looked like. But I always thought that Lucy must feel so loved having man to care for her enough to make sure she did the right thing and respected him. Though, at the time I didn’t know what respect really was, and it would take a good many years before I would learn.

Growing up, my mother was never respectful toward men as far as I can recall, and even today I see it in her. She wants a man to take care of her, but affords men no respect and instead expects them to meet her needs (without telling them what those needs are), but is not willing to submit and meet theirs in return. And her most recent visit was proof positive, that she still has no respect for men. She came into to my home, and disrespected my husband. When it came to a parenting issue, she outright said “No, you’re wrong.” Now if we were beating our children, or refusing to feed them or some such thing then yes, she would have a right to say “No, you are wrong.”, but everything else is a grey area. And not reinforcing toddler fits, is something my husband and I both feel very strongly about. My mother reinforces that kind of negative behavior which is why I turned out to be such a whiny spoiled rotten little brat with no idea why people didn’t want to be around me. I thought there was something wrong with me. And now our efforts to save our children from the same horrible experience are met with “No, you’re wrong.”.

Honestly, if my husband had not waited to tell me that she had said this to him until she left, she would have gotten an ear full for sure. I cannot stand her disrespecting me, but she came in to my home and disrespected my husband, my leader, my Head of House. Ummm. NO!! I am so infuriated, and frustrated, and slightly bitter still that I can barely formulate sentences to describe my emotions. My patience with her is running thin.

I have done my best to set firm boundaries with my mother regarding these types of things, but she has no concept of respect nor submission to male authority. She has been abused much of her life, and seems to see the world as being out to get her. Even going to the lengths of accusing me of abusive behavior because she “never knows how I’m going to react [to her].” Further more, she seems to believe that she is entitled to have her needs met by others, almost as if the world must stop turning when she needs it to. Though she has gotten far better over the years, and since I have set boundaries with her. Though she still seems to think, that every time I set a boundary, or give her a response she doesn’t want to hear, that it is the fault of those I surround myself with. Like I’m in a good relationship if I get along with her, but the second I don’t get along with her, then I’ve “changed” and she blames the person I am with or friends that I have for my behavior.

I was wearing my submission cuffs, which I wear much like other subs wear collars, when she came for her visit this last weekend and she inquired about them. She asked “Do I want to know?”, my response was “I don’t know. Do you?”, and she sat down and said “Okay…”. I then asked if she had ever heard of something called Domestic Discipline, and she stood up, put her hands up and said “No, I’m not ready for this.” as if it were something dark and horrible. Now, what I’m afraid will happen is that she’ll read the wrong information and think he beats me bloody with cane in front of the children or something and freak out. When that is not the truth.

The truth is that I ASKED FOR THIS, in fact I BEGGED for this. And he disciplines me because I need it, and he loves me enough to do so. Just like I always believed Ricky did for Lucy. Though I’d like to think I am much better behaved than Lucy was … the stunts that woman pulled, oh my gosh! My mom loves to watch I Love Lucy, and if she can accept that…. why can’t she accept this? Granted of course that it’s just a television show, and domestic discipline is much different in real life, but the concept is the same. Lucy called Ricky “Sir”, and Ricky always told her what she could and could not do, made rules for her, gave her an allowance, and spanked her when she misbehaved. Not because he was an abusive ass, but because he loved her. Sounds like DD to me.

Staying in “Sub Space”: Ways to Submit

I see a lot of subs in forums, pages and blogs who are all asking this question “How do I submit?”, or “I’m angry with him, and I don’t want to submit to him, so what do I do now?” There is no easy answer to these questions, nor is there one universal solution for every couple. However, I can offer you a multitude of things to try, a list of do’s and don’t’s and some other resources to help you into the right mind frame.

We must also remember that it takes two to tango, and yes to make this work your HOH must do his part by taking the lead. Having said that though, if you completely immerse yourself in your role, it will inspire him to take on his own role. Our HOH’s being inconsistent can take a toll on any DD relationship, and it can be frustrating for a sub, causing her to act out. But rule #1 even if he’s being inconsistent…. you can’t take control… you can’t make him be consistent and acting out over it is only making it worse.

Do’s and Don’t’s

  • Don’t Argue: A man is bound to feel disrespected when you outright say “Your wrong”, and that will cause him to shut down to you completely. Like an off switch. Instead: Do respectfully disagree: “Sir, may I make a suggestion?” and then “Have you considered {insert idea here} instead because {insert reason her}?”
  • Don’t tell him “No”: Do say “I really would rather not if that’s alright with you sir, because of {insert good reason and possible alternative here}”
  • Do ask permission for EVERYTHING. Even the smallest, stupidest things that you know he doesn’t care about, ask anyway. “Can I take a shower?”, “Can I run to the store?” EVERYTHING. Why? Because every time you do you are submitting and he has the authority.
  • Do apologize for EVERYTHING. Even if you were only 10% at fault for whatever took place… apologize for your part, and always be the first to do so. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disrespect you.”
  • Do bend over and pull down your pants when you are deserving of a spanking. If he doesn’t grab you and put you otk at the first available moment after you’ve deserved one, submit immediately. Trust me.
  • Don’t stop communicating. As women we tend to shut down when we are angry, and men instinctively see that as manipulation, even if that is not our intention, causing them to get defensive and creating a giant rift between you. So you need so say “I’m feeling mad right now, and I’d like some time to think about it, is that okay with you Sir?” That sentence will immediately diffuse the situation giving you time, and helping him to be understanding.
  • Do encourage your HOH to make decisions. Men in our society these days are pre-programmed to say “Whatever you want to do dear.” in order to avoid an argument. You need to let him know he has the final say as much as you may not like it all the time. So if/when he says that to say this. “You are the leader, I need you to decide, because you know what’s best.”.
  • Do realize women have a critical and controlling nature. Yep ladies, we were born that way. We have to combat it every day, and some of us have an easier time of it than others. Be aware, and watch yourself. Stop and ask yourself “Am I just trying to take control so that I can feel secure?” if the answer is yes, back off immediately because your steering yourself down a road full of trouble.
  • Do always treat your hoh with respect even when you don’t want to. This means to his face and behind his back to others. Live and breathe respect for him. Men need respect like they need air to breathe. The worst thing you can do is disrespect him, and it’s the hardest thing for a relationship to recover from.
  • Don’t start any sentence with the word “You”, it’s accusatory. Instead use “I feel” statements. “I feel unloved when you {insert action here}”.

These of course are only chipping away at all the ins and outs of a successful DD marriage, but use them as guidelines. There are also several exercise you and your HOH can do to encourage role affirmation here are just a few:

  • Spend time at his feet. Massaging them, or giving him a mani-pedi. Or just sitting on a pillow watching TV with him.
  • Spend time over his lap. Have him rub your back side, and get comfortable there.
  • Practice doing as he asks with little things like making him a coffee or a cup of tea. Ask him to ask you to do things you’d normally do anyway, just to get that extra “Yes Sir” in there a couple times per day. Little things add up.
  • If you feel like he’s being inconsistent, instead of acting out, suggest a role affirmation spanking. This is a spanking to remind him that he is HOH and remind you that you’re his sub. Doesn’t have to be a super hard spanking, just enough to feel the burn for a while.
  • Encourage him to physically “handle” you. Meaning when he wants you to come sit next to him, he grabs you and sits you down next to him.
  • Spend time serving him. He’d normally get up and get it himself? Nope, you’ll do it for him. While you are not his slave, serving your HOH encourages him to maintain his role as leader.

Above all, NEVER TELL HIM HE ISN’T DOING A GOOD ENOUGH JOB OR NEEDS TO DO BETTER, this is the quickest way to make a man throw his hands up in the air and say “To hell with this”. You, as his wife, are always either building him up or tearing him down with every word that comes out of your mouth. Do not tear him down.