Staying in “Sub Space”: Ways to Submit

I see a lot of subs in forums, pages and blogs who are all asking this question “How do I submit?”, or “I’m angry with him, and I don’t want to submit to him, so what do I do now?” There is no easy answer to these questions, nor is there one universal solution for every couple. However, I can offer you a multitude of things to try, a list of do’s and don’t’s and some other resources to help you into the right mind frame.

We must also remember that it takes two to tango, and yes to make this work your HOH must do his part by taking the lead. Having said that though, if you completely immerse yourself in your role, it will inspire him to take on his own role. Our HOH’s being inconsistent can take a toll on any DD relationship, and it can be frustrating for a sub, causing her to act out. But rule #1 even if he’s being inconsistent…. you can’t take control… you can’t make him be consistent and acting out over it is only making it worse.

Do’s and Don’t’s

  • Don’t Argue: A man is bound to feel disrespected when you outright say “Your wrong”, and that will cause him to shut down to you completely. Like an off switch. Instead: Do respectfully disagree: “Sir, may I make a suggestion?” and then “Have you considered {insert idea here} instead because {insert reason her}?”
  • Don’t tell him “No”: Do say “I really would rather not if that’s alright with you sir, because of {insert good reason and possible alternative here}”
  • Do ask permission for EVERYTHING. Even the smallest, stupidest things that you know he doesn’t care about, ask anyway. “Can I take a shower?”, “Can I run to the store?” EVERYTHING. Why? Because every time you do you are submitting and he has the authority.
  • Do apologize for EVERYTHING. Even if you were only 10% at fault for whatever took place… apologize for your part, and always be the first to do so. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disrespect you.”
  • Do bend over and pull down your pants when you are deserving of a spanking. If he doesn’t grab you and put you otk at the first available moment after you’ve deserved one, submit immediately. Trust me.
  • Don’t stop communicating. As women we tend to shut down when we are angry, and men instinctively see that as manipulation, even if that is not our intention, causing them to get defensive and creating a giant rift between you. So you need so say “I’m feeling mad right now, and I’d like some time to think about it, is that okay with you Sir?” That sentence will immediately diffuse the situation giving you time, and helping him to be understanding.
  • Do encourage your HOH to make decisions. Men in our society these days are pre-programmed to say “Whatever you want to do dear.” in order to avoid an argument. You need to let him know he has the final say as much as you may not like it all the time. So if/when he says that to say this. “You are the leader, I need you to decide, because you know what’s best.”.
  • Do realize women have a critical and controlling nature. Yep ladies, we were born that way. We have to combat it every day, and some of us have an easier time of it than others. Be aware, and watch yourself. Stop and ask yourself “Am I just trying to take control so that I can feel secure?” if the answer is yes, back off immediately because your steering yourself down a road full of trouble.
  • Do always treat your hoh with respect even when you don’t want to. This means to his face and behind his back to others. Live and breathe respect for him. Men need respect like they need air to breathe. The worst thing you can do is disrespect him, and it’s the hardest thing for a relationship to recover from.
  • Don’t start any sentence with the word “You”, it’s accusatory. Instead use “I feel” statements. “I feel unloved when you {insert action here}”.

These of course are only chipping away at all the ins and outs of a successful DD marriage, but use them as guidelines. There are also several exercise you and your HOH can do to encourage role affirmation here are just a few:

  • Spend time at his feet. Massaging them, or giving him a mani-pedi. Or just sitting on a pillow watching TV with him.
  • Spend time over his lap. Have him rub your back side, and get comfortable there.
  • Practice doing as he asks with little things like making him a coffee or a cup of tea. Ask him to ask you to do things you’d normally do anyway, just to get that extra “Yes Sir” in there a couple times per day. Little things add up.
  • If you feel like he’s being inconsistent, instead of acting out, suggest a role affirmation spanking. This is a spanking to remind him that he is HOH and remind you that you’re his sub. Doesn’t have to be a super hard spanking, just enough to feel the burn for a while.
  • Encourage him to physically “handle” you. Meaning when he wants you to come sit next to him, he grabs you and sits you down next to him.
  • Spend time serving him. He’d normally get up and get it himself? Nope, you’ll do it for him. While you are not his slave, serving your HOH encourages him to maintain his role as leader.

Above all, NEVER TELL HIM HE ISN’T DOING A GOOD ENOUGH JOB OR NEEDS TO DO BETTER, this is the quickest way to make a man throw his hands up in the air and say “To hell with this”. You, as his wife, are always either building him up or tearing him down with every word that comes out of your mouth. Do not tear him down.

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