Staying in “Sub Space”: Ways to Submit

I see a lot of subs in forums, pages and blogs who are all asking this question “How do I submit?”, or “I’m angry with him, and I don’t want to submit to him, so what do I do now?” There is no easy answer to these questions, nor is there one universal solution for every couple. However, I can offer you a multitude of things to try, a list of do’s and don’t’s and some other resources to help you into the right mind frame.

We must also remember that it takes two to tango, and yes to make this work your HOH must do his part by taking the lead. Having said that though, if you completely immerse yourself in your role, it will inspire him to take on his own role. Our HOH’s being inconsistent can take a toll on any DD relationship, and it can be frustrating for a sub, causing her to act out. But rule #1 even if he’s being inconsistent…. you can’t take control… you can’t make him be consistent and acting out over it is only making it worse.

Do’s and Don’t’s

  • Don’t Argue: A man is bound to feel disrespected when you outright say “Your wrong”, and that will cause him to shut down to you completely. Like an off switch. Instead: Do respectfully disagree: “Sir, may I make a suggestion?” and then “Have you considered {insert idea here} instead because {insert reason her}?”
  • Don’t tell him “No”: Do say “I really would rather not if that’s alright with you sir, because of {insert good reason and possible alternative here}”
  • Do ask permission for EVERYTHING. Even the smallest, stupidest things that you know he doesn’t care about, ask anyway. “Can I take a shower?”, “Can I run to the store?” EVERYTHING. Why? Because every time you do you are submitting and he has the authority.
  • Do apologize for EVERYTHING. Even if you were only 10% at fault for whatever took place… apologize for your part, and always be the first to do so. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disrespect you.”
  • Do bend over and pull down your pants when you are deserving of a spanking. If he doesn’t grab you and put you otk at the first available moment after you’ve deserved one, submit immediately. Trust me.
  • Don’t stop communicating. As women we tend to shut down when we are angry, and men instinctively see that as manipulation, even if that is not our intention, causing them to get defensive and creating a giant rift between you. So you need so say “I’m feeling mad right now, and I’d like some time to think about it, is that okay with you Sir?” That sentence will immediately diffuse the situation giving you time, and helping him to be understanding.
  • Do encourage your HOH to make decisions. Men in our society these days are pre-programmed to say “Whatever you want to do dear.” in order to avoid an argument. You need to let him know he has the final say as much as you may not like it all the time. So if/when he says that to say this. “You are the leader, I need you to decide, because you know what’s best.”.
  • Do realize women have a critical and controlling nature. Yep ladies, we were born that way. We have to combat it every day, and some of us have an easier time of it than others. Be aware, and watch yourself. Stop and ask yourself “Am I just trying to take control so that I can feel secure?” if the answer is yes, back off immediately because your steering yourself down a road full of trouble.
  • Do always treat your hoh with respect even when you don’t want to. This means to his face and behind his back to others. Live and breathe respect for him. Men need respect like they need air to breathe. The worst thing you can do is disrespect him, and it’s the hardest thing for a relationship to recover from.
  • Don’t start any sentence with the word “You”, it’s accusatory. Instead use “I feel” statements. “I feel unloved when you {insert action here}”.

These of course are only chipping away at all the ins and outs of a successful DD marriage, but use them as guidelines. There are also several exercise you and your HOH can do to encourage role affirmation here are just a few:

  • Spend time at his feet. Massaging them, or giving him a mani-pedi. Or just sitting on a pillow watching TV with him.
  • Spend time over his lap. Have him rub your back side, and get comfortable there.
  • Practice doing as he asks with little things like making him a coffee or a cup of tea. Ask him to ask you to do things you’d normally do anyway, just to get that extra “Yes Sir” in there a couple times per day. Little things add up.
  • If you feel like he’s being inconsistent, instead of acting out, suggest a role affirmation spanking. This is a spanking to remind him that he is HOH and remind you that you’re his sub. Doesn’t have to be a super hard spanking, just enough to feel the burn for a while.
  • Encourage him to physically “handle” you. Meaning when he wants you to come sit next to him, he grabs you and sits you down next to him.
  • Spend time serving him. He’d normally get up and get it himself? Nope, you’ll do it for him. While you are not his slave, serving your HOH encourages him to maintain his role as leader.

Above all, NEVER TELL HIM HE ISN’T DOING A GOOD ENOUGH JOB OR NEEDS TO DO BETTER, this is the quickest way to make a man throw his hands up in the air and say “To hell with this”. You, as his wife, are always either building him up or tearing him down with every word that comes out of your mouth. Do not tear him down.



What’s the anatomy of your SIr? And, no, I’m not talking about how big his hands are. I’m talking about what makes him tick. I find more and more that each Sir has his own preferences for how the home and relationship should run, and each his own reasons for it. So why do Sirs do what they do and want what they want? I find that understanding the “why” makes the “how” a lot easier. Let’s take moment and delve into the minds and hearts of our Sirs to find the answers.

Segment #1:  The “Sir” MInd


Let’s begin from a scientific/psychological point of view: Typically the kind of man who is a naturally born Sir, is referred to as an “Alpha Male”. These are the men whom all the other men gravitate toward, natural born leaders. The quarterback of the football team, the 16 year old kid who’s the Senior Manager at McDonald’s, or the ambitious entrepreneur who becomes billionaire at 25, just to name a few distinct scenarios in which a person can identify an alpha male. My Hoh is in the military and he is a junior magnet. All the younger guys in his division respond to him naturally as a leader, and even those who share his rank, look to him for a certain amount of leadership on the job.

Here’s a few facts about alpha males:

  • Alpha males come in all shapes and sizes. A small guy with the right attitude, can be just as effective or more effective than a hulk with mommy issues.
  • If you want to know if a male is an Alpha or a beta, shake his hand; an alpha male will position his hand slightly atop yours.
  • An alpha male will own his space. To a certain degree, any woman in that space will instinctively respond to him with a degree of submission, if even for a moment.
  • Alpha males speak deeply, even if their voices aren’t inherently deep. An alpha will change his voice to emanate on a lower frequency, by instinct.
  • Last and most importantly, even an alpha male can be emasculated by a critical and overbearing woman. In contrast: a submissive woman who admires her man’s qualities can help a man grow into an Alpha mindset.

Now I want to make a point that not all alphas are born alpha. Some require guidance by other men in order to achieve an alpha mind-set. In this case it is especially important that a woman provide her blooming alpha with showers of respect, admiration and encouragement. This man’s wife’s attitude toward him in this critical juncture can make or break him.

Segment #2: The “Sir” Body


Let me begin my stating the obvious; men have needs. Plain. Simple. Uncomplicated.

Our sirs though, are unique in taking their physical needs to another level. It is one thing to psychologically dominate a woman (and sometimes sociopathic…eeek!), but our Sirs physically dominate us, as an avenue for psychological domination. Psychological domination alone is, according to all the right texts, an act of a weak mind when accomplished through emotional manipulation. But our Sirs, are strong minded alphas, who dominate us physically whilst simultaneously showing physical love and intimacy. This is how they care for us, for while we submit to them, we are in their charge and under their protection.

So just sexual satisfaction alone, is rarely enough to satisfy our Sirs. Instead they must spank us for our wrongs… intimately, closely, and with authority. They must make their touch a deep part of communication and trust. They command us with their voices and hold us accountable with their bodies. Our Sirs, need a more profound and advanced connection with us than the more vanilla folk, could scarcely imagine.

When all is said and done, I think it can be concluded that in many ways our Sirs are evolutionary marvels.. at least mine is. How about yours?