Dear Sub…. How Warm is Warm Enough?

The age old question: “How do I know my punishments are sufficient? Or, how do I know if it’s too much?”

Answer: By the behavior of your sub. Plain, simple, uncomplicated. Look at her. Are you looking? How does she look back at you? Do you see peace in her eyes? A pleasant smile? Perhaps a gentle “Yes, Sir?” on her lips upon noticing your gaze? You are doing it right.

Or, perhaps she looks down and away when she notices you looking at her. Does she look guilty? Frustrated? At the end of her rope? Defiant, or indignant? Unless her grandmother just died or you just confessed to an affair your sub should not react to you this way. If she does, it means only one thing: Your punishments are not working and something must be done. If this is the case, I’ve compiled a list of do’s and don’t and gentle pointers to help you get into your subs mind and punish her successfully:

  • Each offense warrants a separate punishment…. No, it’s not too harsh she needs it!
  • Spank her until she cries. A punishment should bring any woman with a pulse to tears. Every woman has a different tolerance and what works for them, and you can use the water works as your line, then push slightly beyond that point and that’s may be a good base line stopping point.
  • Then, double up! If bad behavior continues post punishment, double the punishment for the second offense (i.e. if the first was 30 swats with the paddle, the second should be 60).
  • MAINTENANCE paddle her butt when she needs it…. maybe she confesses feeling guilty, frustrated, or anxious even though she hasn’t broken a rule. Perhaps a gentle “Do you need a spanking to make you feel better?”. Then,  spank her until she’s done.
  • Be consistent! If that means you punish her 30x per day, then do it. I guarantee it won’t last long when you do!
  • Use your words! For some subs it take very few words to get through to them, and for others it takes a lecture. Make sure she knows how bad she’s been and how disappointed you are in her. This can make or break a punishment.

Or, finally perhaps the spankings are too harsh? Are you pushing her beyond the level of an appropriate punishment? Most men don’t. Most men don’t punish enough because they fear hurting their wives. If you are reading her ques and communicating with her, odds are you are not over punishing her. But remember UNDER punishing her, can be just as damaging.

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Why domestic discipline is not abuse…

My ex husband was emotionally abusive…. I was kidnapped and held by a man who choked me constantly until I passed out, and I was raped twice before the age of 17. So do I choose domestic discipline in order to continue the psychological “abuse cycle”? Quite the opposite actually, and I’ll tell you why:

1. Discipline is not abuse

When my Hoh spanks me, he is not doing it in a fit of anger or rage, and he’s not doing with the intent to damage me. The dictionary defines abuse as:

a·buse
verb
 
əˈbyo͞oz/
  1. 1.
    use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
    “the judge abused his power by imposing the fines”
    synonyms: misuse, misapply, misemploy; More

     
     
  2. 2.
    treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
    “riders who abuse their horses should be prosecuted”
    synonyms: mistreat, maltreat, ill-treat, treat badly;

    While the definition of discipline is quite different:

    dis·ci·pline
    ˈdisəplən/
    noun
     1.
    the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
    “a lack of proper parental and school discipline”
    synonyms: control, training, teaching, instruction,regulation, direction, order, authority,rule, strictness, a firm hand; More”

    Especially pay attention to the difference in synonyms. One is “Mistreating” while the other is “teaching”. Now mind you not every Hoh in the world practices domestic discipline lovingly and may use it as an excuse to abuse, but abusers will always make excuses, DD is just one of them.

    2. Abuse hurts for life.

    When my ex would scream hateful things at me and tell me about all of my shortcomings and how no one should have to put up with “this bullshit”, I felt beaten down. I felt like hurting myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and I wasn’t there anymore…. I was vacant… spiritless. So I cut myself. I hurt myself because I felt I deserved it, that I wasn’t okay the way I was, and that maybe if I cut enough I could make myself better somehow. When my ex discovered my cutting habit, it became something I was doing to him, that I was doing it to hurt him which made me even more frustrated. I just cried the hardest I could cry as he screamed at me all the things I had done wrong. I went to my closest friend, desperate to be rescued, recognized, validated…. only be told I was at fault. I wasn’t doing my part in the marriage and I needed to be more this and less that, I was too critical, not respectful enough. So back I went, tail tucked…. I wanted to die. I was lifeless, and I would just sit and stare into nothing for hours. For me this was worse than any other type of abuse I endured. Before at least I had bruises…. kidnapper left marks…. rapists left scars… no one told me it was my fault then…. but this time I was the crazy wife who couldn’t get it right. Everyone loved him, and I was the monster. His family hated and constantly insulted me, and he would tell me he would stand up for me, and then go complain to them about me as I sat downstairs listening to him talk on the phone. This is what abuse is. The breaking of a person, a spirit, a will to live. Those inner scars will always be there, and every once in a while I’ll find myself feeling not good enough, and hear my ex husband’s voice in my head telling me that all I do is hurt people, and that I’m cruel and vindictive. Abuse hurts for life.

    When my Hoh disciplines me (spanks me) it stings like you would not believe, especially if he uses the crop. Afterwords I am left with a warm bottom, and sometimes difficulty sitting down. BUT, what it leaves me with that is much more important is a feeling of contentment and security. My Hoh holds me tight and rubs me up and down, telling me he loves me after a spanking, and I’ve never felt closer or safer with any other human being. When I’m stressed out to absolute maximum, I crawl across his lap for a few stress relief swats and a bottom rubbing, and I feel instantly content. I go through each day knowing that I am valued and loved. Nothing can replace that, and nothing can trump it. I could not imagine my life without DD.

    3. Sweet Surrender

    There’s something about surrendering one’s self to the complete control of another human being that is such a relief, I cannot express the feeling adequately. I can only equate it to a person’s submission to God. “Come to me all ye who are weary and I will give ye rest.” The lord is our shepherd. He lightens our burdens and shows us the path to walk. When I surrender to my Hoh, the feeling is similar. I feel light as air, and worry free when he takes control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he will take care of me, and I can rest… really rest, knowing he will handle everything with grace, kindness, and patience.

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Asked and Answered: What DD is for us

The more people I meet who are curious about the inner workings of a Domestic Discipline relationship (usually online friends in forums etc.), the more questions I end up getting asked. I must say that DD has become so normal for me I hadn’t realized how different it is from a typical modern marriage. I recently came across one person who had some very good questions in spades and so in the spirit of information sharing, I’ve compiled a list of common questions I’m asked and answered them the very best I can.

What rules do you have to follow and how are punishments handed out?

I have rules that dictate the housework I am required to get done, what I wear, and things I must remember to do (like remembering to turn the oven off), and the money I am allowed or not allowed to spend, and he punishes me according to the offense. For example I got $130 dollar speeding ticket, and I got 13 smacks with a crop (one smack for every $10).

How does he spank you with all those kids?

We have an area of our home that is off limits to the children and childproofed, but we also have a two way baby monitor and a security camera so that we can monitor them even when we are not in the room.

What if the husband messes up? Does he get spanked too?

No, it is his job to be accountable to himself and to God. Biblically a woman is required to submit to her husband, therefor I have no authority over him. This works because his a respectable man without ego or pride issues, and is willing to be accountable and take responsibility for his own actions. If he was not, this lifestyle would be to my detriment.

Does he always spank bare bottom?

Yes, he does that for the skin to skin contact which increases bonding and intimacy.

How did you come to have this in your relationship?

Well it’s funny, when we got together HH said that he had developed a fetish….. he liked to spank. My response was “You like to WHAT?!” but I was open, and it started as sort of something we both enjoyed, just the spanking. I felt loved and he enjoyed it. It brought us closer. Then I mouthed off one day and made a joke about what a crappy wife I am, and he bent me over his knee and spanked my butt. Needless to say I never mouthed off like that again, but more than that I enjoyed his authority over me and wanted more. I began asking permission for everything, and even asking to be spanked when I felt I’d done something wrong. Then by happenstance I was doing some research for a psych class for college and discovered domestic discipline, then christian domestic discipline and I lost my mind with excitement. I could wait for my HH to come home so I could show him what I’d found. I presented him with the information I’d collected and asked if we could sign a contract with rules and guidelines. He was concerned that I’d get a bad punishment and leave him (10 years ago I would have), but I talked him into it and it only got better from that point on!

Do you ever tell him you disagree and don’t think things are fair about his decisions? How does he handle that?

We rarely disagree on anything. But sometimes I do point out an aspect of something that I think he is missing, and he always considers it. There was one time when I did out right disagree. Flat out… I was pissed. But I’m respectful enough not to yell and pick I fight. I said “I’m mad right now and I need to go calm down” and left the room. He gave me a minute and then followed me, put his arm around me and MADE me tell him why I was mad. So I just sort of blurted out how angry I was over the decision he had mad, and why. He held me close on his lap, kissed my forehead and told me he understood, but that he isn’t going to change his mind and why he felt his decision was right. I cried in his arms for a long time, and when I was done he gave me a few good swats on the butt as role affirmation, and then we sat and snuggled on the couch together. That’s how he usually handles it when I become emotional.

Were you spanked as a kid and teenager?

No, as a matter of fact I had almost no disciple or structure as a child. I was a spoiled rotten brat.

What is it about CDD that attracts you the most to it? Is it that it draws you closer to him, to the Lord, or what. What is it about this that draws you to it?

I think it’s that I feel completely safe. That I can submit completely to my HH and know that I am safe and loved. The giving up of all control to another person is a relief. I can look to him to should the burden of life and decision making, and go about my existence simply loving my family without many of the burdens that normally accompany modern motherhood and being a wife and college student. I can just be me.

Is it normal for a punishment spanking to turn sexual?

For us, yes. But it’s not that way for everyone.

Besides the spanking, does he give you corner time, loss of privileges, and stuff like that?

Loss of privileges sometimes and he’s never given me corner time but I’m sure he would if he thought it was necessary. But his go-to punishment is a paddling because he likes to spank and believes it is the best punishment to bring us closer together, where corner time etc. might not be as good a bonding experience. He does however with-hold good girl spankings if I’m being a brat to try to get him to spank me. I’ll smart off to him, and he’ll say, “don’t get smart with me, or you won’t get your beating at all today.”

Do you feel sometimes that he is way wrong on something and you are afraid to protest knowing you will get a spanking for it?

He doesn’t just respect my opinions… he demands them. I get a good paddling if he finds out I’m holding something back. He wants to know every thought, feeling and opinion. If something is off with me he spots it right away and makes me tell him. I get a good paddling if he finds out I’m holding something back. He wants to know every thought, feeling and opinion. If something is off with me he spots it right away and makes me tell him.

I hope that this little snippet helps spread awareness the Domestic Discipline is a loving and close relationship when done as it is intended. It’s not for everyone, but it isn’t abuse either.

“Other people do…”

As a teenager I was unknowingly experiencing the symptoms of fibromyalgia and sclerosis of the spine, and could never do as much as a typical child my age. I was never in sports or even able to walk very far without getting sore and tired. As I grew up with a mother who’d suffered a minor stroke, and also had fibromyalgia, I became accustomed to being tired all the time and accepted my fatigue as “normal”. My mother, however, was a codependant clean freak who depended on me for her emotional stability. She expected a lot from me, and it was usually more than I was able to provide. I would get frustrated and tell her she expected too much from me, then she would respond with “Other people do it! Other people’s kids help them around the house. Other people’s houses are clean.”. It would always make me feel so ashamed…. so broken. As I grew up it continued. She would say to my ex-husband “I don’t know how you can live with her in that filth.”…. Shame once again.

Today I still feel the shame echo in my head. Now that my symptoms are diagnosed, and notably worse than they were 15 years ago, I am not capable of keeping my house as neatly and beautifully as I’d like to for my family. I see friends of mine on Facebook, post random pictures of their day to day life with their families. Friends with just as many children, whose homes stay much cleaner than mine…. and I hear “Other people can do it…”.

I look at my husband and I’m ashamed. I know he likes a neat and tidy house, and I also know that he understands my pain and fatigue and sets rules and expectations accordingly. He’s so kind and loving to me. Everything he does with and for me and our children is done in love, and never anger or entitlement, and what do I have to give back to him? I messy house, and a wife who can barely move. He loves me anyway… but how can I love myself when my family hurts when I hurt? I know my illness is not my fault, but it isn’t theirs either. It’s hard watch my husband give me everything, and not being able to give him everything in return.

On days like today, I look around and I’m frustrated and guilty… so I push myself to clean and move and run about the house doing things so that they’ll be done…. so the house will be clean. Then I hit my maximum and can’t move anymore… tomorrow I’ll really pay for it and get even further behind. It’s a vicious cycle. But what else do I do? I cannot let my family live in a home that isn’t clean. With six kids on one income it doesn’t exactly leave room in the budget for a house keeper. I wish I had a solution. I cried in my doctors arms on Monday because I want so badly to feel better. But there’s nothing…. nothing to do, but what I can and what I can is not enough.

“I’ll spank you for it later…”

I finally broke down. After all the stress and emotional crap swimming around inside my head… it happened. The flood gates opened and everything came out at once (this is why my HoH doesn’t like me to hold things in). The way it happened was such that I think it took my hubby by surprise. I had just gotten out of the shower and was wrapped in a towel, when one of the kids began crying upstairs. He made no move to go upstairs and see what the problem was, so I did. He asked “Where you going baby?”, “The baby is crying.” I replied. He followed me up the stairs and then told me to go back down and finish my shower, and he would take car of the kids. By the time I got back down the stairs, I was sobbing, and I hadn’t really any idea why. Perhaps that I can’t have 5 seconds of peace without a crisis? I don’t know, but it was the straw and I was the camel.

When my Hoh got back down stairs he saw me in tears, and with a confused look he proceeded to hug me and ask why I was crying. Unable to contain myself I blurted out several overwhelming things on my mind at the moment, “I can’t even take a shower without having to run up the stairs and it hurts. The house is a mess, and I hurt too bad to clean it. The kids need baths, and I have school work to do, and I just don’t have it in me to do it all and I feel like I’m failing you.” *Insert hysterical sobbing here*

“hey… baby, the house is not a mess. It’s not that bad. All you have to worry about is kids’ baths and your school work. Everything else can wait.” He said to me as calmly as ever.

“But it is that bad, because if I don’t keep up on the house it will never get clean, and it’ll get messier and be more work if I wait to clean it. You deserve a clean home to be in and I’m breaking the rules by not keeping it up.”

He took a deep breath, kissed my forehead and said “School work, baths. I will take care of the rest. Now finish your shower.”

“Yes, Sir.” He hates it when I call him Sir, but sometimes it just comes out.

I finished my shower and proceeded upstairs where I found him getting ready to vacuum and scrubbing down the dining room table. Aw. My heart felt better and worse at the same time. It was his day off, and a Sunday of all days (we are Christian so we observe Sunday as a day or rest). My sweet hubby. How good he is to me.

Later, I apologized for not being able to get my chores done and breaking down on him, and this was his reply; “It’s not your fault. You have health problems that I was aware of when we got together. This would be like me expecting our son to do his regular chores with a broken leg. It wouldn’t be his fault he couldn’t do it, and this isn’t your fault. You do the best you can, but if it’ll make you feel better I’ll spank you for it later.”

I nodded and nuzzled myself into his arms. Crisis averted. I am truly blessed to have this man in my life.

When bad days get worse.

The past two days have been hard, and today isn’t any better. The pain  is at it’s peak and of course, it’s during a time when I can’t afford to stop and rest. All six kids on the weekends means that I have to be on my game Friday through Sunday.Plus my school work is due Thursday and exams due Sunday.

On top of that, this Saturday was when my Hoh has six of his friends over for a day of D&D playing in the basement. I do enjoy having his friends over. They are all very polite and I like to watch them play. It’s just makes a lot of work for me. Cooking for 14 people. Refereeing kids and changing diapers (we currently have three in diapers) plus running up and down the stairs delivering latte’s and food. Then between cleaning up the aftermath and doing all the stuff I didn’t have time to do because I was doing everything else…. I feel like I’m going to explode. The pain is excruciating every time I move. I had the shakes last night and still this morning a little bit.

My house is an utter disaster, the kids are extra naughty today, I’m trying to study for an exam and can’t because I’m up and down the stairs trying to make sure the kids don’t damage one another, and I can’t seem to get things clean. We ran out of dish soap and laundry detergent, I have been 4 days without anti-depressant because I haven’t had time to pick up my prescription and now they need to fax the doctor for a refill. Hubby yelling at the football game because our team is losing, and now there’s another child screaming upstairs.

I feel like screaming, and crying and going back to bed, but I can’t…. There’s things to be done and children to care for. I’m fighting back the tears because it’s just all so much. I know I could ask for help, my my hubby works so hard, I want him to have his weekends to rest and relax. I hate having to ask for help. I just want a clean house, more importantly, the ability to clean it. I look around and the dishes in the sink and the unvacuumed carpet, unwiped counter-tops…. I breaks my heart. My family deserves better.

Sigh…. “There he is”…..

Sometimes I find myself taken aback by my husband. His eyes, the way he moves, the way he looks when he’s talking about something he’s passionate about. I find my breathe taken away. Isn’t that only for fairy tails?

I don’t know, but I do know that being with him feels like heaven on earth compared to how my life has been with anyone else. The other men in my life have always specialized in making me feel worthless by constantly criticizing me. I was never allowed to be angry, or sad. I couldn’t cry, get sick…. I couldn’t be human without being persecuted every time I turned around. I was accused of being selfish, cold, vindictive, spiteful,  “slutty”, of lying, cheating, and much more every day. I either talked too much or too little around other people, I was too excited about things or not excited enough, and I was never able to have a moment of imperfection or weakness without being accused of manipulating or purposely hurting others.

My ex husband was a severe alcoholic and suffered seizures and violent illness when he drank, and still would not stop drinking… yet I was selfish for not wanting to sit in the ER with him and beg the ER doc to give him the pain meds he was hooked on when I was 9 months pregnant and supposed to be on bed-rest. Two or three times a week it was always the same. He would sneak alcohol and max out his pain medication, and when he wasn’t sick he was a mean drunk. He would feel guilty about it the next day and lay in bed for days whining about what a failure he was and how he was tired of being sick all the time and then go out and do it again. He’d leave our newborn daughter crying in her bed so that he could play poker on his phone. Once, he slit his writs in the bathtub after getting a DUI and barely survived, yet still I was expected to enable him…. to respect him. There’s no respecting a man like that. There just isn’t.

Now, my husband doesn’t understand why I think he’s so wonderful, when he does what’s best for the family, when he’s kind and understanding when I’m feeling emotional. When he cares enough to spank me when I need it, and hold me when I need it, and listen to me when I need it. He’s so kind and patient, so loving and devoted. He will just grab me and kiss me for no reason at all, other than that he loves me. He makes sure I know he appreciates what I do for him and for the family, and never lets me doubt myself. So it’s really no wonder at all that I see him and get butterflies and my heart skips a beat…. he’s my hero.

To pick a fight…

I always wondered why in the world anyone would pick a fight with a spouse on purpose. What possible good could come of that? Always seemed super illogical to me, that is, until this morning.

I want attention. He’s been so distracted lately, and the usual attention that I get hasn’t really been there. He’s even been very lax with the rules, allowing me to get away with things he normally would not. I’m feeling utterly neglected and found myself with an urge to pick a fight just to get him to focus on me. I’m not normally this insecure, but I’ve been on this PMS roller coaster that’s way worse than usual, plus I’ve had a kidney infection and pneumonia this past week as well so I’m just crazy emotional and need affection so badly. I feel like if I tell him it will ruin it, and it would make him feel bad. Not like I can just traipse about the house naked to get his attention as I’ve done before. But if I push him… that maybe he will get angry and give me a good paddling, which isn’t fun, but afterwords I always feel so attended to, and cared for…. I really need that right now.

However, as tempting as it is, I don’t think that picking a fight is the solution to my problem…. especially because we never fight and he would probably think I’d lost my mind. So, perhaps I’ll just crawl across his lap and hope for the best….

Issues and frustrations

My Hoh’s exwife is a completely wretched human being and I’m fairly positive she fits all of of the DSM-5 criteria for Dissociative Personality Disorder, leaning toward text-book psychopath. I never understood how my husband could have been with someone like her. According to him he was never happy and knows she’s not a good person. But I still notice him defending her. This person never does anything unless it directly benefits her, and yet he’s always surprised to learn that she’s neglected the children or done something just to manipulate him. I’m extremely frustrated with this, and it happens every time we have the kids. I feel guilty for letting it upset me and so I don’t get angry at him and when he asks what’s wrong, I don’t say anything. I can’t force him to see her for what she is, a vicious  psychopath. He just assumes she has human emotions or actually cares about the children for more than what they get her. I’m not  exaggerating, she really is that cold.
I’m not sure how to deal with this.
The fact that he sees her as a good person  scares me. Even after all she has done to him and the children, he assumes she’s capable of empathy, or genuine love and she isn’t. I’ve known too many people like her to not know what her violent and unpredictable nature means. I wonder if his seeing her this way makes him vulnerable to her manipulation.  She’s succeeded more than once in getting him to do things for her just by throwing a fit and guilting him in to it. I’m hurt and frustrated and I almost feel betrayed. Why is it so hard for me? Maybe because I’ve been in this position before and the psychopath always won. I can’t compete with someone without conscience whose willing to go to any lengths to get what they want and what she want is my husband. I feel so helpless.

Why??

Well… Thanksgiving went as smoothly as I could have asked for it to go. Though while my mother was here an incident got me thinking… got me wondering why. Kids in bed, my HOH , my Mother, and I, sat down to watch a show on Netflix. The show Hoh and I are currently watching is Criminal Minds. He hasn’t seen it, though I’ve seen every episode at least twice. The next episode in the line up happened to be one where there was girl tied up and beaten, and it showed it rather graphically. My mother couldn’t handle watching it and we had to change it. Then later, I was showing my mother some of the new dresses I had gotten and she saw the leather paddle we have hanging off the closet door, and the crop seated above the bed. She didn’t say anything about it, but the look of horror on her face was obvious. That’s when I realized that my version of “normal” would terrify my mother. Granted, my mother is a very sensitive, and quite over dramatic person, where I am more logic driven. Still, I was a bit taken aback by the reality that what brings me joy in my life would traumatize many women.

Why is it that I feel this way about being disciplined physically? Have I been damaged? Has being raped, abused, and molested, abandoned, and abused more damaged me so deeply that I now require being dominated to feel secure? Or, am I simply craving my primal role as a woman? My logical mind is seeking a purpose for the way I feel…. a reason why. The majority of society labels dominant/submissive relationships as dysfunctional ones. Women are taught that we should be equal to men, or even superior to them in many ways. Leaving men emasculated, and without their natural role in a relationship. Women feel entitled, as if we are constantly being wronged by men. EQUALITY! WOMEN’S RIGHTS! But where has that gotten us? It’s gotten us a crap load of trouble, that’s where. A higher divorce rate, more responsibilities than we can handle, and a primed and polished “victim” mentality that ensures men get the short end of the stick even if they are guilty of nothing.

So… why?? Why am I so comfortable in the submissive role that I have chosen? Is it dysfunction? Or am I simply letting myself fall into my God-given role as a women… as the biblical “help-mate” role?